I was going to hold off on posting this, but I think it’s relevant to my experience here, which is what this blog is about.
I am SO FRUSTRATED.
I’ve always—always—had a problem doing things on my own. I’ll just admit that right now. I’m too timid to do a lot of things by myself—for a while in college, it was eating at the dining hall (which I think had more to do with being alone), and a little later in college it was grocery shopping. I think I got a lot better in college, at least toward the end, because really, you can’t depend on anyone but yourself to get things done in your own life.
But that fear is still there, and I think here, it’s probably more legitimate? That’s what I’m going to tell myself anyway.
I’ve gotten grocery shopping down, and I’ve been driving around a little (okay, I’ve driven to the store; I haven’t explored much beyond that). So okay, I can shop and drive by myself. (Sometimes without a mental breakdown! Just kidding—that doesn’t happen. XD)
But I’m still so afraid to do anything else, because I’m afraid I might run into a situation that I’ll need Japanese for, and I won’t be able to express myself.
Mind you—I go outside. I’m not trapped in my house by this fear. It hasn’t completely disabled me.
The situation that inspired this entry will better illustrate my problem.
Today, I went to work, and was promptly told that all of the teachers had a meeting, so I could go home for the day. |D Wut. Kamada-sensei said I could use the day to go swimming or study Japanese.
Me: “Those sound like great ideas!”
So, it’s 2:00PM and I still haven’t done anything today, besides some attempts at translating some schedules that the school gave me.
I thought I might go check out the sports club to see about their pool, but… I’m afraid to go alone. I think the phone call freaked me out.
See, I called one of the phone numbers on the website, and all I got was an automated message that I couldn’t understand… And then it hung up on me.
Me: “Well, at least I didn’t have to talk to anyone…”
So I thought, well I’ll just drive down there and see if there’s anyone I can ask questions… But I don’t know. I got really scared. O_O’ So I texted someone to see if they would go with me sometime this week.
|D I feel like such a loser.
So you might be thinking to yourself, “But El! You took, like, 4 years of Japanese! Just study some more!”
Yeah, funny thing—college is over! I’ve forgotten how to study. If I ever knew how to study to begin with—I mostly just read the books… And then… went to class… And then… took the tests/wrote the essays. I don’t know if there was any studying involved. And as for Japanese class, well, I studied, but I can’t remember how. |D I left my kanji flashcards in America, and the textbook that I have (the same one we used in my class) SUCKS. It’s a TERRIBLE TEXTBOOK.
So I’m not sure how to study. There is a Japanese tutor that is apparently very good, so I’m going to e-mail Kim about her right now, but until that is squared away, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
What a day.