I’m a little embarrassed

This post is a follow-up to the previous post.

I got a lot of feedback from the last post. That was rather unexpected–I actually thought people had stopped reading this blog. XD

I’m a little embarrassed about it, because I really did just write that when I was so angry with myself. It has nothing to do with other people or anything–it was really about me being angry at me. (For being bad at Japanese, for being shy about talking to people, etc.)

There are also… other circumstances going on at the moment that might have effected my mood. I’m aware that part of it is probably culture shock.

So there isn’t anything to worry about. Part of the point of this blog is that I want to document what I’m feeling, just to show an accurate portrayal of what it can be like to move to another country like I have.

I was considering deleting that post, actually, because I got so embarrassed by how many people responded… But I think it’s important to look at a post like that and address those kinds of concerns, not just for me but for other people that might be having (or will have) the same problems. It might be comforting for people to know they aren’t alone. And maybe later, when my blog entries aren’t so frustrated, it’ll be proof that what everyone is saying is true: “It gets better.”

So I’ll leave it.

But I’m still really embarrassed. XD Note to self: Don’t write blog entries in extreme moods. (One of the reasons I haven’t posted my Terrible Horrible No-Good Very Bad Day entry… And I probably never will. Sorry.)

On Japanese

I’m not going to give up. I was just feeling frustrated, especially that day. I’m just disappointed that I haven’t gotten any better, even though I was improving a lot when I was taking Japanese classes.

The feedback I’ve gotten about this, though, has been really helpful. A lot of people have told me that this is how they felt about learning Japanese for a long time, too. That’s really reassuring–it means that I’m just at a stage in learning Japanese. Okay, I can deal with that.

On Making Friends

I realize that there is probably more I can be doing to make friends, but then again, we’re talking about me. XD I’m actually rather shy about meeting people… so it’s difficult for me to put myself out there. I’m actually proud of the extent I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone thus far. I guess I just need to step out of it more. Which is really scary.

Again, this is just something I’ll have to work on. And that’s okay. I can do that.

Everyone’s feedback on this point, too, has been really helpful. I’ve gotten people saying they’re going to introduce me to people, and suggestions about talking to some Japanese people I’ve already technically met but haven’t reached out to yet.

I think I’m really just having winter/culture shock issues right now, and that’s what’s making it difficult to… do… anything. Much less step out of my comfort zone.

For the record

I am recontracting with Minamiboso; I’m staying right here for another year. (And probably another year after that, to be honest.) My frustration with ~whatever~ isn’t enough to keep me from staying.

I’m generally happy.

So don’t worry about me. :) I’m just going through a particularly hard time, and I think this time of year is particularly difficult for all ALTs anyway. (I also kind of wonder if maybe that’s the reason I got such a strong response…?)

Seriously, thank you so much

A lot of people commented on the entry and on Facebook, and then today we had an ALT meeting at the Board of Education. Someone brought up “a certain blog entry,” and everyone started talking about the concerns brought up in that “certain blog entry.”

Everyone, thank you so much for your support and advice. Seriously. I just… I don’t even know. I was surprised to get comments at all, and then they’re helpful and supportive comments?

You’re all friggin’ awesome, kind people.

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4 Responses to I’m a little embarrassed

  1. Kim says:

    Wow thats kind of embarrassing that someone outed you at the meeting, but otherwise don’t feel bad about what you are feeling. It is something we all go through.
    I can’t tell you how many terrible I FAIL AT LIFE days I went through in Japan… and I knew enough to realize how many stupid stupid mistakes I was making every single day and it messed me up. I am beyond shy and there are teachers I worked with the whole two years that I never got up the courage to talk to, which I really regret.

    I think the key (if you are like me and won’t force yourself to do it on your own) is to surround yourself with people who are trying new things, traveling and studying, then you can fall into their good habits. Anytime someone invites you to something in the community, get involved!

    Once you get back here, the only thing you will regret is not doing as many cool things as possible. The embarrassment about the stupid things you did will fade (someday remind me to tell you some of the stories of my failures, there are some BIG public humiliations in there :D)

    But as someone you have never met, I am proud of what you have accomplished so far and I see how much you truly care about the kids and I am thankful that you were my successor.
    Keep doing your best and that is more than enough.
    <3

    PS: Also, around the 1.5 yr mark you hit a IDONTCAREIFISOUNDSTUPID point of Japan life where conversation gets way easier… so look forward to that.

    • It was okay that we talked about it at the meeting, but I was kind of bothered by how they kinda interpreted the entry wrong. |D I wasn’t complaining about being lonely or not having any friends (which is how everyone here read it). I was just trying to point out the difficulties that foreigners have in other countries… (Which is how everyone back home read it, and which was my intention.)

      Yeah, I’m really shy too. I have GOT to stop comparing myself to some other ALTs that I know – they are PHENOMENAL ALTs because they aren’t shy… and I always feel bad. |D But they aren’t me, and I’m not them. So I gotta stop that.

      I really don’t think I deserve your praise, but thank you. XD And thanks for your advice. <3

  2. clairemariedavidson says:

    Learning a language is super hard! I can’t even imagine how difficult it would be to move to a new country AND speak a new language AND work at a new job. That’s crazy. I don’t know if it will make you feel better, but this is my 8th year of Latin, and I still kind of suck at it. I cannot speak in Latin for love or money! Becoming fluent in it? That would take, like, 50 years of intense study. Ahhh. It makes me stressed out just thinking about it. People who are bilingual and trilingual are superior beings. I know things will get better for you soon! I’m thinking of you!

    • Haha, well, you don’t really use Latin on a daily speaking basis, right? Unless you’re in some weird cult, I suppose. Which if you are, uh… that’s… fine.

      Yeah, I’ve always been impressed by people who know more than one language. If only I could be them~~

      Have I ever showed you the list of languages I want to know? Here it is: Japanese, German, Farsi, Hungarian, French, Spanish. That list seems incomplete – I’m pretty sure I forgot one – but there you go.

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